After observing the Brexit Referendum, the 2016 US Presidential Election and the 2019 Australian General Election I’m pleased to offer this practical step-by-step guide for participating in an election. Especially since this strategy brought so much ‘success’ to our friends on the left. All I can say is: Please, please, please keep doing it!
Step 1 – Think up some creative insults to describe those who disagree with you (Deplorables, top-end-of-town, ‘Little Englanders’) and repeat these at every opportunity.
Step 2 – Get some celebrities on board to make it clear that voting for you is the only moral and sane thing to do. Their ability to sing or act obviously makes them supremely qualified to offer political guidance to the knuckle-dragging proletariat.
Step 3 – Canvas inner-city elites in London, Melbourne or New York and make their priorities your exact policy platform.
Step 4 – Place absolute faith in the opinion polls that proclaim that you simply cannot lose.
Step 5 – Book a lavish venue for the celebration of the century. It is important to provide a stage on which the masses can observe how sophisticated and in tune with modern realities their new masters are.
Step 6 – Begin election night by going on television to tell viewers how glad you are that ‘people are seeing the light’
Step 7 – As the evening kicks into gear, stare in horror and disbelief at the screen as the results come in. Be adamant that the situation will soon correct itself. Become ever more desperate in looking for glimmers of electoral salvation.
Step 8 – Weep uncontrollably surrounded by carelessly scattered signs. Do this both on television and at your lavish ‘victory venue’ (See Step 6) as it becomes clear that the plebs did not appreciate being lectured to and insulted.
Step 9 – Threaten to move to Canada/NZ/Europe so that the potential loss of a national treasure such as yourself can shame the unenlightened into deep regret for their actions (Don’t worry about the cost and trouble, no one actually ever follows through on this)
Step 10 – Go on Twitter and Facebook and double down on the insults and screeching that worked so very well for you. Surely the only problem was that your condescending behavior was not enough of a good thing?
Bonus Level: Google ‘How do I get a champagne cork back in the bottle?’
Super Bonus Level: Prepare to question the legitimacy of, and undermine, the democratic process whose results you were prepared to celebrate just a few hours before.